Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Response to a Comment on the post Fear

In response to a recent comment to my post on Fear

I wrote a lengthy response defending myself and my statements before finally stopping and deleting the entire thing. The person's comment was correct.

In Liber LXI vel Causae, we are told to expose our own illusions. My illusion was I thought I was one thing and after some inner digging I discovered I was not what I thought. I accepted the lie of who I pretended to be. I am not who I pretend to be. I did not like it and it hurt my pride. My pride was built upon an illusion. Like the tower it came down.

I am not a courageous person. I am not a rugged individual. I do not do whatever I want and say to hell with anyone else as I pretend outwardly to the world.

I am a fearful person. I care what others think of me. I base much of my self worth on what others think of me. If they do not like me then I will not like myself. I hide my thoughts, beliefs, and activities from others because I am afraid they will not accept me. I am afraid of what the consequences might be. I do not like hiding my thoughts, beliefs, and activities from others because I restrict myself from what I can and cannot do or say when others are present. I am more afraid of the possible consequences of exposing myself than any benefits I might obtain. I have a constant background paranoia that at any moment I may be discovered. If I share I might not be accepted and then I would not accept myself. That last statement is a little over the top, but more or less true.

Additionally, in Liber LXI vel Causae, we are told to overcome our own obstacles. My obstacle is to accept myself in isolation from anyone else.

1 comment:

S Warkwright said...

I admired your post and your sincerity.