Friday, April 23, 2010

Fear

I have been in a very weird place the last few weeks and it has seemed to have culminated the last few days. I have experienced almost a total loss of direction and lack of any joy or excitement in my life, especially spiritually. I have reached a place where I am asking myself, what's next. Sadly, I cannot seem to come up with an adequate answer to "What do I really want?", "What's next?", and "Where do I go from here?"

The last few days have been very pronounced with a feeling of apathy towards any magical practice, feelings of slight depression, and generally being in a over all bad pissy mood. The black phase of alchemy. It has painfully come to my attention that I am full of fear. Fear of criticism, fear of what others think of me, afraid of being my self around others, and the possibility of condemnation by others. I hide my personal thoughts, spiritual and religious beliefs, even my political views from others who I know are opposed or even possibly opposed to them. People do not seem to realize I never have a strong opinion on anything other than playing devils advocate or using mocking humor as a shield.

I am not even really certain of what exactly I am so deadly afraid of. That people might think differently of me. Think poorly of me. Think I am odd, weird, or even possibly insane and evil. When I say it out loud it sounds silly and pathetic even to myself. So why the fear?

It goes further than that. This is a fear I have always held, hiding myself from everyone, even at times when I had nothing to lose. It is something I have had as long as I can remember, even in childhood. I think it has something to do with my parents and being afraid of how they would see me and get disapproval from them. That is really not true anymore for my parents but for some reason I have transferred this need and fear upon everyone I come in contact with. I think that is the key to the whole thing. I, for some unknown reason, have a severe need for approval from others. Even from people I could care less about, but most especially from those in authority. I am deathly afraid of disapproval. Why do I need this acceptance and approval from outside myself!?!?

I loathe this characteristic in myself as it makes no logical sense and I can clearly see the harm and chains upon me, but it remains. How do I become free and obtain liberty?

I think this feeling of self loathing over my weakness is part of my attraction to Thelema. Thelema is all about freedom and especially personal freedom. I want to be free but do not see how to break the chains. This illogical fear is so crippling because it prevents me from being my true self. I dispise this as it blocks me from being the person I want to be. I hide behind a persona of indifference in my outer daily life but in truth, inwardly I am a coward desperately trying to hide my shackles from the world and especially from myself.

Normally I would never openly admit to something like this, especially broadcast it to the world via the internet. It wounds my sense of pride to speak of such a severe weakness and I never show or admit weakness to anyone willingly. But lately I have felt the need and the importance of total truth and brutal honesty in everything and especially to myself. I feel it is an important part of my current spiritual journey. Again this goes back to my need for approval. To show weakness brings the risk of disapproval. Perhaps this is a needed first step in liberation.

Every man must overcome his own obstacles, expose his own illusions. - Liber LXI


2 comments:

Rufus Opus said...

Thought this might help, it helped me a lot in dealing with some similar stuff you discuss here. Joint conjuration of the Intelligences of the Sun and Saturn may also be of service.

Erwin said...

"I loathe this characteristic in myself as it makes no logical sense and I can clearly see the harm and chains upon me, but it remains. How do I become free and obtain liberty?"

By ceasing to loathe it, for starters.

"This illogical fear is so crippling because it prevents me from being my true self. I dispise this as it blocks me from being the person I want to be."

First you say you want to be your "true self", and then you say that this fear "blocks [you] from being the person [you] want to be." These two things are not equivalent. The whole reason this "loathing" arises is from wanting to be something different to what you are.

It sounds to me as if your "loathing" of this "weakness" is causing you more difficulties than the "weakness" itself is. You're never going to "be your true self" by engaging in self-exploration, loathing what you find, and trying to change it. You have to accept what you find without judging it. If somebody else admitted to you that they were as weak as you believe yourself to be, would you "loathe" them? If not, then question why you're holding yourself to such a different standard.

It may or may not be your true will to develop in a particular way in the future, but your true will, right NOW, is to be your true self, as it is right NOW, and not to be something different, or to wish to be something different. It may or may not be your true will to develop in a particular way in the future, but sitting around hating what you are now can never be any help, and is far more likely to divert you into fruitless and illusory avenues.

I doubt it's a coincidence that your apparent rejection of part of your nature coincides with the fact that you "cannot seem to come up with an adequate answer to 'What do I really want?'" You cannot hope to answer questions like this - regardless of whether or not the answer will be to change in the way that you think you want to - until you accept what you are for what you are. You have to release the pressure - or remove the restriction - that you are imposing on yourself before such answers become clear, and these pictures you're creating represent a much greater restriction than any supposed weakness does. You can't trust your mind to get the answers right by itself.