Friday, February 16, 2007

About Me

My Introduction

I was born in a small town in Alabama, moved to Georgia as a small child, returned to Alabama for my higher education, and now once again live in a small town in Georgia.

There was nothing unusual about my childhood. I guess my family was Christian, but there was never any mention of God, Church, or spirituality in my home growing up. I was always interested in such things but was never certain what that meant or where to start. While growing up I devoured any book about magick or occult themed. None of them "real", young adult fiction mostly, fantasy. I even kept a small spiral bound notebook with any details I could gather from these books. Things you could do with unicorn horn and "spells" which were of course nothing but bits of prose. Being in a small and VERY conservative bible belt southern town I never had any access to anything more of value, although it wasn't for lack of effort at the local library and bookstore. Later I was able to acquire a few books on witchcraft and candle magick but none of these things seemed to be really what I was looking for.

In my middle teens I was talked into going to one of those Christian evangelical retreats. At the camp I decided to become a Christian. Being of that tender age I was swept up in the fanaticism of that brand of hard line Christianity. I was handing out tracts and bibles left and right, attempting to convert anyone I met. In short, I became one of "those" people. This went on for a fare number of years until I entered into college. By then I had mellowed a bit as well as opened my mind to allow more things. There was now at least a grey area outside of the stark black and white only.

This mellowing continued until I fell out of favor of going to that brand of church anymore. I just couldn't stand the hypocrisies I saw all around me. God was all loving and all powerful, but if you fuck up just a little your going straight to Hell to burn for all eternity. Some loving God.

The preacher would teach that a rich man couldn't get into heaven while standing at the pulpit in a three thousand dollar suit. The congregation would go on about the fellowship of man and that we were all Gods children. Yet all Jews, Hindus, and most Catholics were going to Hell. And this church is the upper middle class white church. If you want the black or lower middle class white church you have to go down the street. You'll know it, it has the same denomination on the sign.

My mystic and long forgotten occult interest returned although now with Hell still looming as a very real possibility in my mind I subverted that interest into a form I could accept. I took a massive leap and converted to Catholicism. The ritual of the mass, the smell of the incense, the candles and statues. I loved every bit of it. I still felt a few pangs of need but I was able to suppress most of those with Christian Mysticism. Of course this too became less important to me in time.

I remember I once again was looking for what I had always looked for, real magick books. Although this time my small town roots couldn't hold me back. I had the internet, I had amazon. I found the odd term Grimoire. I searched for all of them and finally chose the one everyone seemed to agree on was the best. It went by the odd name, Goetia and was edited by Crowley/Mathers.

I was so excited when it finally arrived in the mail. I tore into it but was more than a little confused. I was not sure what it was I was expecting, I guess "spells" of some kind. The first part of the preliminary ritual of the Goetia lived up to what I expected, a spell but then it quickly became nonsensical. Yellow Pentagram? 2=9? Hebrew Letters? What the hell is it talking about?!?

I had no idea what it was talking about but I LOVED it! I still had no idea what it was I was looking for or had been looking for all those years but for once I knew, I just knew that THIS whatever this is, was IT!

I purchased other books, The Tree of Life, Magick in Thoery and Practice, and Modern Magick. I began and bumbled my way through such things as asana and the lessor banishing ritual of the pentagram. I made experements and odd assertions on my own for about a year until one day I was bored at the computer and did a search on LBRP. To my complete suprise I discovered entire forums devoted to magick, my kind of magick. And not only forums but groups such as the OTO and the Golden Dawn were still in existence. From what I read in the introduction to the Goetia I was under the impression such groups disappeared over a hundred years ago. I discovered I wasn't the only one with such odd ideas and passions. I actually had other people to talk to about these things, for the first time I was not alone.

I still had some spiritual unraveling to do and dross to remove. I still didn't understand a bit of what Crowley was going on about and this whole Thelema thing didn't seem like me. Shortly after my discovery of others I joined the Golden Dawn. I found a home there and spent many years working my way through the outer order. I am still a member and bless them for all they have taught me over the years. But in time I grew till new questions and concepts came upon me from within my own soul and for the first time the order had no solid answers for me.

Searching for answers I ran across some of Crowley's writings I had never paid any attention to. He used odd names and discretions but there it was regardless, the answers and concepts I had been trying to label myself.

Pouring over these ideas the exact phrase that came out of my mouth was, "God Damn, I think I might be a Thelemite..."

With that I am at where I am at now. Am I a Thelemite? Does that identification ring true? If so, what does that mean for me? These and many more questions I am still attempting to answer. But for once I am saying to hell with everyone and everything else. I am in this alone and I will discover my own truth come hell or high water. In that I guess I really am a Thelemite.

These and many more things I am exploring with this blog. Read if you wish, even comment if you wish. Regardless I am going to keep exploring and keep writing.

Love is the Law, Love under Will.

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